Tears & Fears

Not by might or by power but by my spirit says the Lord of Hosts. Lord I am at the end of my own power, I am exhausted. My emotions are used up and I feel like I want to run away, I did in fact. I ran away to a beach but your power was so fierce that the wind whipped the sands and it felt like I was in the middle of a desert storm. Funny how I make a plan and then you blow it away and give me yours. As I was walking back from the beach I heard you speak to me. “Write Martha, I will give you rest as you write. Use your remaining energy to process what has been going on inside of you. I gave you the gift of writing to bring me glory. Tell them about my power and passion and Spirit. So Lord help me as I let out what is inside of me, may it bring glory to your name Father.”

 

This has been a week of hurts, I hurt so much that nothing can fill the ache and holes inside of me. It has been a week of deaths and losses, but in the midst of such pain I’ve had glimpses of deeper beauty than I have ever seen before. Why is it that going through suffering gives us deeper joy than ever before? This has been week of letting go. It began with the news that my dear Mimi was hurting. When you’re a missionary you give up family and home to follow the Lord. Nothing is harder than putting Jesus words into practice. Michigan feels like worlds away. My grandma has been battling debilitating headaches, blood pressure and is juggling medications to find a cure. My Mimi is one of my favorite people, she is one who has believed in me, encouraged me to follow God and my dreams and she is proud of me. She is a constant source of life for all of us. She is so sassy and hilarious yet she has depth and faith and heart for serving God. Sometime it is hard to think of life without her around. She is the grandma who was playing baseball in her eighties and the one who always had time to go on walks or make tea or give us words of humor and wisdom. I miss being able to drive to her house to play scrabble, I miss being able to be there for her as she goes through trials and pain. There is a false guilt that tells you, you should be there, you’re missing it, a fear that nags and says what if you don’t get to see her again or say goodbye…surrendering my family is one of the hardest things that I have ever done. I constantly have to give them back to God and remember that they are in his hands and that he loves them more than I ever could.

 

My boyfriend Mateo and my ministry partner and roommate Nettie left this month for a 3-month sabbatical. Sometimes when you see people everyday you take them for granted. You don’t realize how much you care about them until they are gone. I was able to see Mateo last weekend; he has been at a Monastery in solitude since the beginning of May. It was so good to just talk with him, see him and just enjoy his humor and presence. He adds so much to my life, he is an encourager and he always points me to Jesus. He is an amazing listener and he is so missed by the boys in the house and the entire community. It’s amazing to see how many holes remain when someone leaves. It reminds me that each person in this world has a place, a purpose and a legacy of relationships. I want to hold on lightly remembering that God has a plan for Mateo, I pray that his will would be done. Then there is Nettie. She asked me to drive her to her solitude retreat. We drove 2 hours through cattle ranches, horses, fruit orchards and fields to a little ranch in the hills. We explored a bit together and rejoiced about what God was going to do in her during 10 days of solitude and a whole summer free from ministry to rest and reflect. When I got up to go Nettie asked me, “do you have to go?” What a gift to have a roommate that I live and work and play with, yet never tire of. I really miss her. Our team is praying about multiplying, sending half of us to a new ministry location in the fall. We don’t know who yet, so I think right now I am getting a taste of what life is like without other members of my team. Sometimes God’s plans stretch me beyond my capacity and I am left in the wonderful state of dependence. Trusting when I can’t see, but knowing he is working for the good of all. Letting go…see the reoccurring theme.

 

Then the day after Nettie left my dear big baby (the old lady that I cared for) passed away. You know God is amazing because a mom that I had met at juvenile hall gave me the job as a caregiver when I was unable to pay my rent and bills earlier this year. Crazy because right before I was hired I told Mateo that I would never work as a caregiver again, it was too hard to be around diapers and death in India but again God’s power changes my plans At first my big baby (the name my gangsters gave my patient) was incredibly grumpy with me. She had scared multiple caregivers away through verbal abuse lol and so my boss entrusted her to me. She taught me a lot. She showed me the value of silence and just being. She taught me to stand up for myself and not to back down. She told me about love and how I should tell people that I loved them before it was too late, to ask questions and to share fond things that you remember. She softened after awhile and before my shift would end she would say “thank you & when you are coming back my missionary girl?” I shared my idea for a book with her and read to her and she told me that she was in line for the first copy. I prayed for her each shift and then discovered that she loved it when I sang old hymns to her. She asked me on my last shift, “what’s that old song? I can’t remember…” I tried Amazing Grace and Beautiful Savior but it wasn’t right. Then I thought of my Papa’s favorite, What a friend we have in Jesus. I sang it and she told me, “that’s it, that’s the one!” I told her about Papa and his faith in Jesus. She listened and responded, “I would have liked your grandpa he had good taste.” My big baby had everything by worldly standards, a 5 million dollar house, relationships with presidents Ronald Reagan and George W., her own fashion business, a husband ect. But at the end my big baby couldn’t take any of it with her. She was in pain one day, I tried to make her comfortable and I finally gave up and told her I couldn’t. I was shocked when she told me, “Jesus can heal me, you pray for me.” By divine appointment I dropped in the week before she died to visit. She told me, “I’ve been hearing that song, the one you sang me… I love you…I’ll see you, you took good care of me.”  My boss called this week and told me that she was gone. She just took her hand and flew away peacefully. In my heart I believe she flew to Jesus because she let go of wealth, prestige, position and went to Jesus as a child. Calling him her friend… I am so glad I was able to share Jesus with her learn a lesson in humility that I will never forget.

 

This week our Thursday group for gangsters had a memorial for a boy who died five years ago when he was only 14 years old. Prior to group I had the most vivid dream about one of our gangsters. He is the most hardcore of all of them. I dreamed that he was stabbed and dying, I was able to go to him and I told him. “The doctors told me that your wounds are fatal, would you like to make things right with Jesus before you go?” He told me, “no I asked him to save me before but I won’t do it this time. No I won’t repent.” It broke my heart. I remember being at the end of myself. I sat by his bed and cried and prayed asking God to soften his heart, to enable him to repent, to save him. All of the sudden I wasn’t alone anymore. Other people filled the room and began to cry out to the Lord for this gangster. My dream ended and I don’t know the outcome. I heard once that whenever God gives you a dream it is a call to prayer, so would you pray with me? That is the only way that gangs will be saved. No program, no amount of law enforcement, no bars or deportation can transform a life. Only Jesus can save their souls and transform them into his likeness.  I went into group with this vivid dream etched in my mind. I prayed like crazy and asked God for what to share that night. I decided to share verses about heaven and the bible’s promises of eternal life to those who believe. These gangsters have a terrible fear of death and facing God with their pasts. Then I thought these promises are only good for those who believe, most of these kids don’t believe. So I found other verses about how to become a believer. I watched in wonder that night as gangsters filled the room to pay respect to their fallen homie. The boy who had died had repented in the ambulance with the EMT and asked to pray the Lord’s prayer. The boys shared their memories and it was powerful. During the Bible study, one of the boys grasped onto a scripture… All our righteous acts are like filthy rags, there is no one righteous, not even one… Rebel said excitedly, “This one is so true. When I was a banger I used to wear a blue rag in my pocket, my enemies had red. We killed each other over colors, over rags. Now I see how stupid that was, we were all wrong, we are brothers…” Pony Boy told us a story from the week about death. He told me how he was walking down the street, 3 skater punks passed him, not gangsters but wearing the opposing color red in his blue hood. One of the homies from his gang had just been released from jail months before. He went up to the kid who he claimed had looked at him wrong and began to beat him and slash his throat with a knife. Pony boy who has a record, a baby and a girlfriend ran away to avoid the Pen (federal prison) and gang association. We’ve been praying that God would open Pony Boys eyes and let him see gangs for what they really are. He was sickened by the slaughter of an innocent teenager. He was enraged at his fellow gang member. He calls this world a living hell. I pray that he exits gang life before he burns out. Sometimes I feel so hard; I can listen to these stories and not cry. But then all at once the dam breaks and I am left just broken and bleeding at Christ’s feet begging for healing.

 

Sometimes death doesn’t seem fair, last night I received news that little boy that my Aunt and Uncle used to baby-sit was killed instantly in a four wheeling accident. The amazing thing was that this little boy of eleven years old chose to go to church with my aunt, even when his parents didn’t. He chose to go through first communion classes, he chose Jesus. My aunt and her family simply loved this little one into God’s family and when I think about that it is so beautiful. That’s my prayer, that we all just love people into God’s kingdom. The kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power. Nothing is more powerful than love. True loved died for us on the cross and rose again. His name is Jesus and he is madly in love with you and I. In the midst of death and loss I feel his love and presence and spirit and I am comforted. I pray that the comforter brings healing, peace, joy and love to all of the wounded souls in this world. Love conquers death, where o death is your victory, where is your sting? Death has been swallowed up in victory!

 

Broken & Blessed,

                                                                                                                                    Martha Jo Huls

Lord of the Dance!


Take the shackles off my feet and I will dance! I will dance I will sing, I’ll be mad before my king, nothing Lord is hindering this passion in my soul!

 

This is what God impressed upon my heart during my quiet time yesterday…

 

I want to dance with you! I feel like twirling you and watching you laugh. I love it when your face lights up with glee. You are free, let the chains fall off your ankles and wrists. Dance! Revel in this new found freedom! You are not bound any longer by the expectations of others, you are freed from believing the lie that it is your job to make others happy. I free you from thinking that you have to do everything perfectly. I free you from others opinions. You are accepted and favored. My delight is in you! Join me in the dance. It’s a choice each day, you can sit and be a wall flower or you can believe that you are my favored partner and waltz out onto the floor with confidence. All you need to do is follow, surrender to my lead and flow with my spirit. There is no resistance when your will melts into mine. It’s beautiful art, others stand back and gaze at the graceful flow and beauty of our dance. You can invite others into this celebration. No cover charge, it has been paid in full! No dance will look the same. You will never tire of me as your partner. I can captivate you for always. Look into my eyes, melt into my gaze. Dance knowing you are enveloped by my love.

 

As I thought about what the Lord showed me, I envisioned a lively dance where I was able to grab others hands and sweep them up and into the dance! There was so much joy, it was like a wedding reception with all my loved ones, only this one didn't end! Everyone was there! I guess thats my prayer and dream that all of my family & friends and the world would know the Lord of the dance and have a relationship with him! Following Jesus is sweet sweet joy... This easter know that he loves you! He is inviting you to celebrate a life with him! There is nothing on this earth that can beat that, of that I am convinced!

 

This is holy time, we gather together to worship you and love one another, and as we laugh, and as we sing, and as we dance and as we dream, O Lord I beg of you just this one thing... won't you dance with me throughout the heavens and below the seas, up on the mountain tops, roll with the breeze come carry me, Lord won't you dance with me!

 

love, faith & joy,

martha jo

I felt like our Thursday group for gangbangers was dead for a while, it was about this time last year and no one was coming to group. It was only the leaders and when we met we prayed for the kids and talked about what would draw them. Our team leader consulted with us and mentioned that we would probably have to close the group due to no participation and Nettie my partner in crime for gang ministry asked our leader for an extension. She felt deep down like something was coming! It came in an unexpected way. In 2006 one of the bangers from the group was killed by gang fire. He and his cousins were key members of the group for Thursdays. Every year, the group meets for his memorial to honor his life. Through this death, God paved a way… all of them gathered for his memorial and just kept coming back. Now we have a core group and God is doing amazing things, what once was dead God has resurrected! That’s the power of prayer, it may seem like nothing is happening, but underneath, God is shifting hearts and drawing souls to himself!

Happenings on Thursdays…

 

Take Dr. D, a 17yr. old, cousin of the boy who was killed, D didn’t care about living or God or us, he formerly came to group high as a kite, or drunk trying to commit suicide by throwing himself in front of cars, or in total turmoil due to his girl being pregnant and thinking about abortion. He was in juvey for part of the year… when he did show up for group I argued with him every week about a different issue! He made me cry and I wanted to give up on him and tell him not to come anymore. God does miracles, somehow God got his attention! D gave up pot for lent! He is finishing school, getting involved with justice, leading group on occasion and actually letting us in on his life! Little did we know but D is a philosopher, he generates awesome discussions and asks questions about faith! God is so good! I couldn’t see the gold in this kid, but God could! Last week my jaw almost hit the floor because he asked if he could go with us to Mexico for a 

mission trip
! Yeah God!

 

Then, we have 3 of my favorites! A family unit, comprised of Ponyboy a 22 yr. old Southside banger who is entrenched in his gang. He has been in jail for most of his adolescence; I met him right after he was released. He had no job, no home and a lot of anger. I later found out that he had a baby’s mama (his girlfriend) and a 3mo. Old daughter. Their family unit was in tatters due to patterns of domestic violence that had been modeled for them by their own parents. They constantly fought and put each other down. Not only that but Ponyboy had no hope, I have never seen a gangbanger cry, but I saw Ponyboy cry. His best friend turned on him and he had nothing. Our community was able to pray for him and God answered his prayers. He has a home with his girl and baby now. Slowly they are learning to treat each other with love and respect and break the cycles of violence. Ponyboy told me, “yall are making me soft, im still in my gang, but you all are my family. I tell you all more than I’ve ever told anyone. I think I’m going to leave the gang someday…” Jesus is calling him through dreams, his word and the encouragement of community but he is still on the fence trying to decide which path to follow. He is one of the kids that I am closest too. I love this banger like a brother. He comes over with his family every Tuesday night for dinner and he always volunteers to pray and read the Bible. Please pray for him! Pray for us as we disciple this couple! I was so proud of his girlfriend Amber @ 18; she is taking college classes, working a part time job and doing an awesome job being a mom. They want my boyfriend Mateo and I to be God parents when they get their daughter baptized! (the fact that I have a boyfriend who loves Jesus, the poor and likes me is miraculous as well =) Praise Jesus! He is so good!

 

We have 2 priests in training who are coming to group now! The boys interrogated them about celibacy & invited them to a strip club! Much to my horror! They pepper them with questions every week about God and the Bible and the priests provide real answers. It is so good for these bangers to have a positive interaction with the church! Thank you Lord for raising up volunteers who are not scared away but drawn share the gospel with our youth!

 

I could go on about the rest of the gang, but that will have to come about in future newsletters! This past Thursday topped all, for all of their toughness these bangers are kids at heart! They asked us to play charades with them as well as hide and go seek! I love my life! Thank you Lord for bringing this group back from the dead! Your word draws these kids and faithful prayers break down the walls that the enemy has built around them! You Lord are bigger and more powerful than addiction, gang affiliation, broken families, lies & prison! You overcame death and gave us reason to celebrate your resurrection! Happy

Resurrection Day
!

 

If you suffer for doing good and endure it, this commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. He committed no sin, no deceit was found in his mouth. When they hurled insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed! For you like sheep have gone astray, but now you have returned the Shepherd and the Overseer of your souls! 1 Peter 2:20-25

 

Power of the Gospel

Dear Partners in Christ,

      I am writing out of sheer joy! The good news of Christ is being proclaimed around the world! I just returned from a conference for new staff members in Los Angeles, CA. Our main mission sending organization, Church Resource Ministries, hosts it. They have over 400 missionaries in over 30 countries. I was able to meet missionaries headed to Russia, the Middle East, Europe, Africa and beyond! The other missionaries have target groups and visions: some work to empower pastors, others start up businesses, and everyone is pursuing their God-given passions! There was so much rejoicing and excitement about what Christ is doing! Jesus is touching lives, changing hearts and transforming communities! I am so excited to be a part the mission of God and I am excited to invite you to find your God-given passion!

     I am reminded of Romans 10:13-15: “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. But how can they call on one they have not believed in? How can they believe in the one they have not heard of? How can they hear without someone preaching to them? How can they preach unless they are sent?” Can you believe that God entrusts us with sharing His love and word with a world in desperate need? What a privilege and an honor it is to partner with the Lord to fulfill His plan of salvation for the nations!

     When I think about the past year I marvel at how God creates partnerships to ensure that His truth is taught and that His love is shared through relationships! Some of you have partnered with me over the past year by sending one-time gifts, gift cards, prayers, items for the ministry & our home, Bibles, letters & emails, calls and monthly support! Thank you! I am so grateful that God has called you to be a part of this ministry through giving! I am so humbled that you have sent me to love on drug dealers, gangsters and the youth in juvenile hall. These youth will die on the streets without ever knowing Christ if no one intervenes and shares the gospel with them. Thank you for enabling me to live out God’s calling in the mission district of San Francisco!

I have seen so many miracles over the past year!

  • A gang member and his girlfriend reading the Bible together, praying and desiring baptism for their daughter.
  • Murderers repenting and asking God for forgiveness and spreading the good news of Jesus with their cellmates.
  • Youth in juvey who have who have never heard of Jesus asking questions, asking for prayer and requesting Bibles!
  • A Muslim mother of a boy in jail hired me for a part time job and asks me to pray for her son every time that I talk with her.
  • The boys living in our house faithfully working and sending money to their families, going to school, learning English and embracing our love and Christ’s.
  • God’s provision: He answered my prayer for my wisdom teeth healing by having a surgeon volunteer to pull my wisdom teeth for free!
  • God always fills our fridge and enables us to feed the multitudes! People give us exactly what we need when we need it! God is into details!

     The greatest miracle of all happened in my own heart. Seeing and living near brokenness showed me my own shattered heart and my need for healing and a savior. God is redeeming my brokenness and He is using my wounds to shape my calling. He is so good. I am learning not only how to give but how to receive from my teammates, the youth I work with, and all of you. That is a lesson in humility. I learned this year that I am not the savior and I cannot rescue or change people, only He can. It’s not about being a good missionary; it is all about being dependent on God for everything.  I am learning to rest in Him, to give up my dreams, time and agenda and embrace His vision.

      I don’t know the details of the vision or how God will accomplish the impossible but I know that He has called me to share Jesus in truth and in love. I would love to carry this message around the world but I plan to start here! When God called me to San Francisco I had no idea that people living in the United States could live without ever hearing about Jesus. The kids I talk with in jail, the people that I meet on the street…most have no concept of a savior who died and rose to save them for their sins. To give an example, the kids in juvey had no idea that there was a resurrection. They thought Easter was a day about a rabbit who laid eggs, they didn’t know the story of Christmas, and they had no idea that God died to save murders and thieves. Will you pray about partnering with me to share Jesus with those who have not heard?


Would you prayerfully consider providing for the following items monthly?

$200 Rent (We pay $535 each month to cover water, garbage, electrical and mortgage)
$200 for gas, we transport kids everywhere so that they are safe from gang violence
$100 for food to take to the Bible study group for gangsters on Thursdays
$100 for food to share with teammates, guests and boys in the house
$100 for taking at-risk youth out of the city for activities
$80 Student Loan (I am praying for $7000 to cover the rest of my bill, I would be debt free!)
$50 for office use, internet hookup, stamps & communications materials
$30 for birthday parties for at-risk youth
$25 for cleaning products for the house & essentials
$25 for vision/dental
$25 for Bibles for youth in jail
$25 for parking, subway & bus transport to see kids who live across the bay in Oakland
$10 for my monthly dues to be a part of the jail ministry Communidad San Dimas
One Time Gifts:
-A ticket to Malaysia $1400 this summer for our mission conference (FF miles are awesome!) We meet in Malaysia because most of our missionaries are stationed in Asia, and it is easier for us to raise funds and fly to them =)
-$600 registration fee for Malaysia

If you are interested in contributing you can email me: martha.huls@innerchange.org

You can donate online: http://www.crmleaders.org/support/support-staff
Martha Huls Account # 3801
Or you can mail checks made out to CRM to:  (Please put only my acct. #3801 on the memo line. My name should not appear on checks for tax purposes!)
Church Resource Ministries
1240 N. Lakeview Ave.
Suite 120
Anaheim, CA
92807-181

I would love to keep you posted! I have started a blog to post stories from the mission!

Check out: http://misioneramartita.posterous.com
Or email me @ moofie19@yahoo.com to request updates! Feel free to pass on my info to those who may be interested! Please pray for my team & the youth we work with! Dios te bendiga!

Thank you for partnering with me to share the gospel with at risk youth!

Christ’s Love and All of Mine,

Martha Huls

Sky Farm

    Just finished the most wonderful solitude retreat of my life! I went to a hermitage! It was nestled between vineyards and green rolling hills that were littered with rocks to climb on! A nun from the order of the Poor Clares runs the place, she was so sweet and acomodating. She showed me how they had constructed the chapel and a couple of the hermitages out of old wine vats. It was so simple. The only noise was birds singing and a waterfall cascading down slopes in the background. It was a bird lovers paradise. Bluebirds, doves, sparrows. God really speaks through nature if we care to notice. I heard him saying, "I will take care of you just I take care of these little birds! They are precious to me and so are you, I will provide, don't worry!" I smelled wild flowers with intoxicating fragrances. As Anne of Green Gables says, drink it in Marilla! Now I don't know about you but when my team first began sending me on solitude retreats I didn't know what to do with all of the silence! I grew up with siblings and a loud gregarios family. I was so bored at first, I thought I had to piously sit in front of a cruxifix meditating to be holy, or had to fast the whole time, or truly focus, funny how we try to copy others when God speaks to us in our own unique way.
     So this solitude retreat, I drove out of the city and said, its me and you God, what do you have in mind? I was not expecting for God to have a hillarious sense of humor, he had me laughing out loud. One morning for example, he woke me up at 6 am and prodded me out of bed to go and see the morning stars, I was so glad that he did! I think he enjoyed some good frolicks with me. To my delight there were chickens and an old pony at the neighbors house. I mean he knows what brings us joy! Its the simple things that God surprises me with that fill my heart with gratitude. It felt like he was and is my best friend, we just enjoyed each others company and it was silence and silly conversation, tears and heart to hearts, slumber party, play, creating projects together. God is the best playmate that I could ever find! My soul sings with joy in the presence of my lover, friend and Lord!

Martes

    Tuesdays continue to amaze me! Last night I was sitting at the table for hospitality dinner, as I looked around I thought about those represented. Active gangmember, teen mama, drug dealer, felon, doctorate degree in psychology, former principal,and myself. All sharing a meal, two different languages and lots of love and laughter. It is crazy how Christ can remove every barrier due to profession, ethnicity, past, language ect. and bring his family together. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about how grateful I am to be here, to live it, to witness the impossibility of the gospel. Okay so I'm crying now, but I love how Christ redeems brokenness. How our deepest sense of calling comes from our own wounding healed. When I think about the future for these kids I am so excited! They are going to be world changers! They are going to rock the world with the gospel. They will reach people that I never could. I am so proud of them.
     One of the boys is active in a gang but he so desprately wants to change. He is so hungry for God's word, for truth, for purpose. He has been turned down for almost every job he has applied for due to his past but he isn't giving up. Last night we were working on math, he is trying to get his GED and he has one last math test to pass so that he can go to college. He has a beautiful daughter who is about to turn one and  an awesome girlfriend who cheers him on. The couple wants to get the little one baptized. They want to work and be free of welfare and government assistance. It inspires and challenges me to be around them. Sometimes I wish that they could see right away that gang is not family, that violence is not the answer, that bitterness kills over time and that true friends respect you no matter what. But transformation takes time, the Holy Spirit is softening and breaking and bringing light to the dark places. I get to watch! I am able to see God show up in power to deliver these kids from the lions paw! It helps to share their stories and struggles. I think if you knew them you would find them easy to love and laugh with. They aren't gangmembers & drugdealers, prostitutes, addicts and felons, they are broken kids who have been abused by this world and those within it, they are crying out for love and acceptance. They are willing to change they just need a helping hand.

La Vida Real

La Vida Real

One of the greatest things about having a blog is that I can just write freely. My prayer is that all of these tidbits from life will encourage you and point you to Jesus Christ. He is through all in and in all and it is amazing to be able to share how he is at work in the daily.

Today was my Sabbath, my teammates and I headed for the hills. The green hills of Orinda. They were littered with new green shrubbery and cow pies. I heard frogs chirping and was able to run down muddy paths toward calves, peace and solace in nature! Life is so rich, God provides me with escapes from the city. But the longer I’m in San Francisco, the more I see that he is also a God of the city. There is a strange sort of presence here, a contentment that sweeps over me when I least expect it, maybe its grace to bloom where he has planted me. I feel myself deepening roots, spiritually & physically. I was running for so long from adventure to adventure, but I feel like this is a season of rest and discovery.

I’ve been thinking about life lately, yes I am a contemplative. My mission leader asked me about a year ago, who are you Martita? I didn’t know, I mean where do you go to find identity. I tried looking deep inside of myself, but all I saw were looming questions and confusion and fear, sin really staring me back in the face. Then I tried looking to other people finding my identity in their approval but that was burdensome because I discovered that I could change like a chameleon to please yet I was dissatisfied. Lately I’ve been asking God, Who am I? and more importantly Who are you?  Funny because Moses asked the same and question and God responded, I AM. So maybe that’s where true identity is found in the source of it all, in the God who is secure in his identity. A God whose character I can trust and depend on. Maybe the answer to the question is found along they way. I know I am called to love the Lord and to love his people. I know he moves me and opens doors to specific places and groups of people. Usually when I step out in faith he provides the next clue and I discover a little more about who he is and who I am in him. It’s a grand mystery really. It’s blind stubborn obedience even when you can’t see, and after you’ve jumped off the cliff in faith he removes the blinders and you can see what was hidden before.

Faith, I need that today. A whole year has passed since I came to SF. Through the hard things God has strengthened my faith and stretched it farther than I thought possible. I thought it would get easier to trust but it hasn’t. How many times in the last year did I freak out about finances, about bills and then God came through and provided in amazing ways. A whole year, rent was pd. Every month, I had food to eat each day, I pd. My loans and still had leftovers to share. So why do I freak out and still fail to trust him for today? I want to live differently, I want to live the day, thank him for the day & trust rather than worry about tomorrows. Give me grace Lord. I read an awesome verse: be joyful always, pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances!